Day 125 of 365 DELIBERATING ?

I don't want any of this to happen. I want it to be and to stay just a fantasy, because I'm so scared of what might happen en what we might become. So please, I.. I'm scared.

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I never fully understood what it would be like to love some one who didn't have the same believes or even Faith as me. I thought I knew. And I thought I would never be able to love some one like that, or even consider sharing my life with that person. 
I now I do. Still, not fully. But I now know a small part of it. The heartache it comes with, the desperation, the deep love and longing of wanting to be together. I know the feeling and at the same time, deep inside of me, I know I'll never be able to and I never will be able to handle the pressure that comes with the fact that the love of my life doesn't understand my love for God and my heart for writing and singing and living for Him. 
The person in question would never fully understand me, if he doesn't believe what I believe. 
And yet, here I am. 
Falling. 
Hoping, desperately hoping, that the men I'm falling in love with turns out to be different, that he turns his paths. Or that he gets a push in the right direction from our Creator.
I feel so stupid and dumb sometimes, for falling for his beautiful smiling and for melting when he talks. 
But yet I am. 
Why can a girl like me, who wants to live a christian life and wants to marry a guy who has God on #1 as well, fall for a guy with totally different life standards, a different perspective, but still has the ability to love me, make me feel beautiful and special and mostly loved?
I'm asking and praying and deliberating this case with God, my Father who knows me so well..
And I don't know what to do.. 

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Some random thoughts, I thought I would share them here with you.

xoxo!

Just thinkgin,
Tiger lily